Courtship vs. Dating (On Healthy Relationships pt. 7)

The long awaited finale of the On Healthy Relationships Series is here! Here is the last post in case you have missed it or forget it at this point. :) Sorry this is a long one... it's important!

Let me start with a little personal history on this topic. I dated for years, as most people do in this world... it started out where I was attracted to a guy, I would bat my little eyes at him (flirt), and then he'd ask me out. No matter what his character was like, no matter if we were headed in the same direction in life, no matter if we believed in the same things... when I saw someone I thought was cute, I would go for him. And what would happen during this relationship? We'd usually flirt, try to impress each other any way possible, and try to push each other as close to "the edge" as we could get... usually resulting me in feeling guilty and shameful the next day.

This process went on for years. I thought this was the only way to find "the one". I thought this was normal, as frustrating as the process was, I convinced myself I was having fun, because everyone who was dating around was, right? But it usually only ended in me giving myself too much, physically, emotionally, mentally to someone who I wasn't even sure I truly liked for the long term. It was a vicious cycle.

Then, in the middle of my freshman year of college- God showed up. Literally. (I will share a post on this encounter another time) but let's get to the point, right? After God showed up, my mind was changed. I realized there was another way to do this dating thing, another way to find "the one". A better way.

Some may call it courting, some dating... I prefer Dating with a Purpose. Whatever you call it, once God gets a hold of your life, everything looks different, and this is a major part of my life that drastically changed- thank God!

Dating with a purpose is not the same as engagement. I've heard this definition before: an official, public, accountable dating relationship with the intention of marriage, creating a morally safe avenue for 2 people to seek the will of God together.

Don't let the "intention of marriage" phrase scare you. It simply means that you have a purpose, you aren't aimlessly dating around or the fun of it, but have a reason you are getting to know each other so well. There is always the option of going back to friendship with this way of dating because you don't cross the lines of emotional/physical/spiritual intimacy; but if one of these are crossed, then there will be weirdness if they aren't the one.

Most people think of courting or dating with a purpose being where you just don't cross that physical line, but we must be on guard not to cross the emotional or spiritual one in this stage. Just being physically abstinent as a single person is not the Bible's standard (1 Cor. 7:1, 1 Thess 4, 1 Tim 5). I don't know about you, but I wouldn't tolerate my husband being emotionally promiscuous. Song of Songs 8:4 says we should not stir up or entertain passions or desires that we cannot righteously fulfill. Bottom line: flirting leads to defrauding and fantasy is dangerous.

Most people look at love as something that is feelings driven, "chemistry", and temporary, that just sets us up for failure down the road. I think anyone can have chemistry with ANYONE, if either of you are slightly attractive and in the right setting or mood. I think that term is so overrated and just plain dumb. That is emotional intimacy and sets a pattern for instability, most likely leading to divorce down the road because "the feelings are gone". The more you set the pattern of breaking up, the easier it becomes.

There is no cookie cutter relationship, some people will date for 2 months, some for 2 years, but you need to embrace the season and get to know that person, and just because you are "courting, or dating with a purpose" doesn't mean you are getting married- they aren't your husband or wife until you make the investment of a large diamond and beautiful wedding! Some of Ross' and my most fun times were when we were dating and getting to know each other.
So when dating with a purpose you have accountability- you are open to people asking the hard questions, you have standards- physical, emotional, and spiritual lines that you establish together from the beginning and don't cross til you are married, and you are heading in a direction that brings you BOTH closer to God and His calling on your life.

As I had to learn the hard way- Don't try to play God in your relationships (forcing, flirting, playing around); Let God Write Your Love Story. He will bring His best for you, when you are ready for it. And trust me- His Best is THE Best!

So... what do you think is the difference between dating as a Christian and dating as our culture sees it?

Side note: I wanted to give some resources for books on relationships:
The Friendship of Women by Dee Brestin
Seasons of Friendship by Ruth Senter (these first 2 are about healthy friendships)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye & Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jacke Kendall
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy
Going All the Way by Craig Groeschel

What Do You Recommend?

It's about time I get me a new cell phone! I have had mine for 2. 5 years, and for cell phones these days, that is pretty good! I had the iTunes's phone... no that is not an iPhone... it was the old school, one of the 1st MP3 player phones. I could hold about 100 songs on it and it had great speakers.

But sadly it is starting to act funny on me. It ghost rings... rings when no one is calling and won't stop until I take the battery all the way out. It randomly turns on and off.. yes on by itself. When I text, it is now showing up on other people's phones as a slide show, and they can't reply to it. And now it won't ring when someone IS calling, or vibrate for that matter.

So it's time to get a new one. I have ATT/Cingular so if you are familiar with their phones, what do you recommend?

I am leaning towards a red LG Shine. I love deep red phones, and that is a fun slide one. I think I might be getting an iPod Touch soon (hint hint, hubby... it comes free with a new MAC!) So I don't need a smart phone... just a cute, would like it to be easy to text with, little phone.

Give me suggestions!

Cheeseburger in Paradise!

Love me some Jimmy Buffett... but I do love me some cheeseburgers even more! I am not inspired to write this blog because I just got back from Key West... amazing trip by the way... but because my hubby and I just got done watching the Travel Channel and a special on Burgers... and have I mentioned we love burgers?

After that show it looks like we are packing up the boys and heading up the eastern seaboard to hit the hottest Cheeseburger joints in America for our next year summer vacation! ha! (You think I'm kidding, but I don't think Ross is letting me have a say in that)

So I decided to compile a list of my favorite Cheeseburger experiences for you (no particular order, except #1):

1. Tally Ho in Panama City, Easily takes my #1 slot! YOU GOTTA GO! (and order a chocolate shake and Sour Cream Logs on the side to complete the experience)
2. In & Out Burger in California, Double Double Animal style please!
3. Coram's in Panama City, Cheeseburger Special- best burger deal: burger, fries, sweet tea = $3.95!
4. Jimmy Buffett's Margarittaville, Cheeseburger in Paradise.
5. Ted's Montana Grill, Bison Burgers!
6. TGI Friday's, Cheese Double Cheese (fried cheese on your burger (and a heart attack on the side) is my Hubby's favorite, the Black and Blue was my favorite.
7. Lucky Dill Burger Grill in Palm Harbor (my home town represented!) But sadly this place closed recently- that was a dark day.
8. Spinnaker's in Panama City, they do have a 1 lb burger, I witnessed someone (cough, joel, cough) eat it!
9. McGuire's in Destin, You can get a burger basically ANY way you want, including an ice cream sundae right on top!!! And the Kitchen Sink burger, the chef puts practically every ingredient in the kitchen on it! sick!
10. Five Guy's Burger & Fries, mmm!

Ok, now that I am about to drool I am ending this post. Please share your favorites! Happy Eating!

Happy Father's Day!

I know this post is coming late for Father's Day, but it doesn't mean it is worth any less. I just had to give a shout out to all the amazing Father's out there! In this day and age, you stand out and are worthy to be given a day to be honored!

To my Dad (Doge, to the boys)- Happy Father's Day! You are awesome, and I could never thank you enough for being the loving, fun, and perfect dad for me! It was great getting to spend this special day with you!

To my baby's daddy- I wish I submitted you to father of the year... or how bout of the century. I think you are the best. You are the perfect husband and father for me and the boys, and I am thankful for the way you step up and are a real MAN! Thank you for setting the example and raising the bar for our boys.

I am just so blessed to be surrounded but such great men in my life. I know that is getting rare in this day and age, but I hope and pray that begins to change soon, it will make all the difference.

Always an Adventure

It seems there is always an adventure with our family, huh! Well, this one has to do with our current living situation.

When I was in college and God started changing my heart and life around, I started to get a big heart for Missions. I went on a retreat with my college roommate where I had gotten prayed for by some pastors. One of them said "you are called to be an evangelist". My first thought- Oh my goodness... I am going to be like that lady on TV with the huge purple hair. That is all I knew of an "evangelist". Then I went on my first mission trip to Costa Rica the following summer and that is where I heard God speak to me "this is what you will be doing the rest of your life."

That was a little overwhelming. All I knew of being a missionary was living on dirt floors, eating the cheapest food, or even some that was given to us by local people that barely had enough to survive on themselves, and traveling to remote areas of the world. The thought of that wasn't exactly what I was hoping for from God. I think it is amazing and God has called certain people to live a life like that to spread the Gospel, but it wasn't exactly for me (as far as I know). So I was happy when I felt God call me to the college campus as a missionary. Looks way different than what I thought being in missions would!

So when my husband and I signed up for campus ministry we had to raise our funds through financial partners to keep us in ministry full time. Thankfully we have amazing parents that let us crash at their houses when out on the road raising funds. That brings me to the latest adventure.

We are currently at my parents house near Tampa Bay. They had moved to a new (OLD) house while I was in college, a fixer- upper, so to say. This house needed (and needs) a lot of work! It's an awesome location, and right on a beautiful lake. BUT until the house gets fixer-ed up... it's definitely a mission field!

Being here with a 2.5 yr old and .5 yr old, has added a new dimension to that as well! Here is a look at what we arrived to this past week (as my parents were out of town and the house currently under construction):

NO AC! Alligators sunbathing on the backyard lawn (up to 16 ft. long, no exaggerating). Lake Flies like the Plague. NO POWER on half the house. BATS in the attic (recently moved to an outside bat house). A Blanket for a wall (to the outside- where the alligators and bugs are). Ply wood as doors. Only one usable bedroom for 5 adults and 2 kids. Wasps on the front door, and back windows. Spiders everywhere. Lizards everywhere. Construction Dust on everything. Humidity like no where else. Snakes randomly outside. Roaches randomly FLYING by. And the newest addition: RATS!

Ok... it sounds a LOT worse than it seems (to me anyway, my hubby may disagree). I promise, once this house gets done getting re-modeled it will be awesome. But in the mean time- it is my missionary life. This is God's way of showing me right now- don't get to comfortable! Goodnews: since we arrived, we have power and AC now. And we haven't seen the rats since the 2nd day. So it's slowly improving... right?! :)

I can't complain, just wanted to share the adventure. We have it good still, here in America!

The M Word

Ok, here's the dealy-o. This blog is co-authored by my amazing husband and myself.

In response to my previous blog on the 6 F's (foundations for relationships), this subject stirred some controversy so I wanted to address it in full.

There are few people (especially pastors) willing to talk about The M Word, masturbation. But it's time to expose this sin to light. I know this may be a touchy subject to a lot of you, but I think it is one that is just not talked about because of the shame and perversion it consists of.

Just because the M word is not found in the Bible, doesn't mean it is not a sin. There are plenty of things that aren't specifically mentioned in the bible that are sin. So that logic just doesn't fly. I once heard that Sin is fulfilling a legitimate need, illegitimately. Masturbation is a form of trying to fulfill a sexual need in an illegitimate way. Just like any sin pattern, it can be broken. I know MANY men and women that have gotten free from that "habit". Just like they say about pot being the gateway drug to hard core drugs like cocaine, I think masturbation is the same in the sex world... it's the gateway to bigger and harder to break sexually immoral things.

I don't believe people can masturbate and not think about a person lustfully (Matt. 5:28). I think that the desire to masturbate comes from the desire to have sex, and if you aren't married, biblically you cannot have sex. So that makes it a battle in your mind. Jesus calls us to take our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, and masturbation acts on a fantasy in your mind, therefore the problem is in your mind, it is just the manifestation and fleshing out of what is going on inside your head. If you have a problem with anger or aggression, masturbating is not going to fix that, that is a deeper problem. If you use that logic with any type of sin, it just doesn't make sense. The only way to fix sinful problems is to repent and allow God to come in and change your heart and patterns in your life.

The reason people cannot stop masturbating is because they are in bondage to it... if it wasn't sinful you wouldn't be driven to do it. If you really think it isn't sin, I challenge you to not do it for a year, and see if you are able to. My bet... you won't be able to unless you repent and ask God to give you victory over it. Another sign it is a sin, it produces shame, guilt, and you are too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.

So now you may be asking yourself, how do I get out of this vicious cycle?
The biggest ways to break this bondage in your life would be to confess the Word, find God's promises in the Bible that talk about taking thoughts captive and purity and speak them over yourself. Another way, Prayer- Pray that God would give you victory. See James 5:16, go to someone and confess that you have a problem and have them pray for you. Stay accountable. If you have a lust problem, or porn problem, get xxxchurch.com on your computer.

Let the comments begin...

The 6 F's (On Healthy Relationships pt. 6)

It's finally time to complete the 6 F's! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get this post out there, but if you missed the first 3 of 6, here is the link.

The 6 F's, or foundations needed before even thinking of that next level with a guy (and can be used vice versa for a girl) is what we have been talking about.

1. Fulfillment
2. Feelings
3. Family
4. Finding
5. Forgetting
6. Fondling

4. Finding wisdom in the counsel of many. You need an outside perspective of the situation, someone to let you know if you both are ready for that next step. You've probably heard before, and I totally believe that The Right thing at the Right time is the Right thing; The Right thing at the Wrong time is the Wrong thing; and the Wrong thing at the Wrong time is the Wrong Thing!
No matter how much you think you know that person, you need to make sure there isn't some big issue or sin in their life (or yours for that matter). You should see if they have accountability or spiritual coaches that could clue you in on timing and/or if there should even be a next step. I saw how important this was in my own life through friendships and relationships I had with my "spiritual coaches", who helped me see if even thinking about Ross was a good idea, and could be reality, or if I was just way off in a dream world. It's not about telling the world that you like someone, it's about being wise and thinking through a major step in your life. This is a lame example, but I am sure going to talk to my friends or connections in the financial world before I jump into the stock market and buy the first thing that looks good. I want to know what I would be investing in, you should to!

5. Forgetting "...one thing I do, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead..." Phil. 3:12-14 You need to let go of the past, and not fear the future. Any past relationships that may have burned you need to be healed, and any that you haven't let go of yet must be cut off. I know from experience that they WILL come back to haunt you if you don't take care of them before moving into the next relationship. Even if you haven't ever been in a relationship, don't let the fear of failing keep you from the joy of being in one in the future. There is freedom in failure (whether you continue dating or not, I'm not talking about sin here). You learn from mistakes. A great book I would recommend that address this very topic is Lady in Waiting by Kendell & Jones.

6. Fondling I saved the best for last! There must be no hint of sexual immorality (Eph. 5:3), don't even look at a person lustfully or you have committed adultery in your heart (Matt. 5:28). This includes the M word, masturbation. Yes I typed it! You may think that is only an issue men deal with, but it is becoming a bigger one for women in the recent years. "That behavior undermines your integrity and even your ultimate sexual and emotional fulfillment once you are married. When we think about doing something, and play it out in our thoughts, it makes it much easier to engage in that behavior. IT is also an act of pride, telling God His Holy Spirit can't satisfy you so you have to yourself."- Shannon Ethridge. This is critical: You Must draw your line in the sand BEFORE You start dating. If you think you will be in a right mind to make the decision to not go any further physically, when you are in the heat of the moment... you will get burned. When you have the DTR (defining the relationship talk) you should have it in your mind to, right then, have the physical STANDARDS talk! Like I mentioned before, the way you hold to these standards not only shows how much you respect God, and his commands, but it especially shows how much you respect each other, and can trust each other for the years to come (if that is the case).

There you have it... I want FEEDBACK!

I will be posting one final On Relationships pt. 7 soon, on Courtship vs. Dating- my thoughts. So that will conclude this series... with perfection (7)

GET THIS ALBUM!

Arize Live, Featuring Jon Owens is now available on iTunes! I HIGHLY recommend this CD! 

My husband played acoustic guitar on it, and co-wrote the song, Fire Burns (Arise). 

If you can do ANYTHING, please go download the song FIRE BURNS! It is worth it! You will love it! 

Also, please leave a comment about the Album on iTunes, and rate it... the more buzz it gets, the more iTunes will promote it! 

I absolutely love this CD, and can't get enough of it. Jon Owens is a close friend and the Worship Leader at our church in Tallahassee. It's great stuff. You will like it! Oh, and my sister-in-law, the rock star (Shelby) also sang on the album, leading God of the Ages and co-wrote Jesus, Jesus. 

ENJOY!

Like Father, Like Son

Aiden just sucked down 3 full sippy cups of water in less than 10 minutes. Anyone who knows my husband would say.... Like Father, Like Son. 

I just realized today that Aiden is a lot like me too. He is an actor. He was walking around the house looking for sympathy and hugs for his "head really so hurts" from bumping it (which he didn't). When I was in preschool and elementary school I would totally act. My biggest productions were when I would totally fake being sick, just to stay home to watch the Price is Right. It would work almost every time, especially if I turned on the tears. Man was I good! 

Now I know what to watch for with Aiden! 

A New Level Of Gross

Get ready to be grossed out... this story is a doozie!

Back in the day, when Ross and I were dating, he always raved about this place back home, in Panama City called Unisex Hair Shop. I agree it was a great deal: $6 for a shampoo, hair cut, hot towel thingy, and a head and neck massage with this strange vibrating thing. Ross and all his friends back home had a bond with this place and with their hair dresser  (Sharon), in fact she made us an embroidered wedding gift! 

So I decided to venture into this place one day with him to see what it was all about. It is a hole in the wall! The entire shop is stand alone, and bright yellow with a giant (10 ft) plaster parrot out front, and its probably as big as our closet. It has 2 hair cutting chairs in it and a wall dividing them. 

Ross was getting his hair cut and I was sitting on the other side of the wall watching the other hair dresser cut someone else's hair, so he didn't get to witness this unfolding of events.

This man walked in with one of the longest, greasiest, nastiest MULLET hair I've ever seen. The hairdresser (Carol, I believe) asked "What are you gonna get done today?" He said "Let's Cut it ALL off!" 

So she ties the hair into a pony tail, not bothering to wash it or anything yet and cuts it straight off. This pony tail had to be about 2 feet long. She was standing there with it in her hand and got out her buzzer (razor) and started flattening off the top of the pony tail in her hand.

The guy sitting next to me asks her "Carol, what are you planning on doing with that thing?" She proceeds to (with a total straight face) say, "I am needing a new blush brush, so I think I'll take this one home." And she throws it in her Purse!!!!! 

AHHHHH!!!!!

It's TRUE and she was 100% serious. I just about gagged. 

Anyone want an authentic Mullet Blush Brush? I know where you can get one now.

Pet Cemetery

I saw that movie when I was younger and it totally freaked me out, I do not recommend it, but I do want to ask about the pets you have had and/or do have in your life. 

I was just thinking about my former pets earlier today and wanted to know names, how many, what your favorites were, and if any of you had any cool stories about any of your pets.

When I was born, my parents had a dog and 2 cats... Ralphie the  Sheep Dog- funny story: When Ralphie died my parents told my brother (who was only like 4 at the time) that he went to the "Farm" to do what he was made to- herd sheep, and my brother believed that until he was like in college! ha- sad, but ha! And the 2 cats- Punkin & Bobo, one of which was potty trained!

Then we got Holly "Waddle Doodle Berry" Hoch, she mainly went by Holly (Hoch was my maiden name), but I gave her that middle name when I was 3. She was an awesome beagle who lived to be 17! She was a great dog... who was actually trained to hunt rabbits, but never hurt them, just picked them up like a puppy and brought them to us, VERY unlike my current dog, as most of you probably read here. 

While we had Holly, I got a pet hamster, who didn't last long. And my brother went through multiple snakes (who always seemed to escape) and Salamanders. 

Then there was the infamous Suzie Q.... you have probably read about here. {tear}

When Ross and I got married we got a Bichon Frieze we named Porter "Porterhouse Tank Middleton", love him (went through a rough patch with the rabbit thing, but we're ok now). 

Aiden even had his first pet when  he turned 1- a fish from Aunt Stephie we affectionately named "Geoduck", pronounced Gooey-duck. (Long story behind that name) But he only lived a few months before going belly up- I admittedly almost cried, but Aiden only asked about him a couple times before forgetting (thankfully he was too young). Not exactly the case with the bunnies, yet again. :)

So, on that note, now that you know my pet history... what about you? 

I am definitely a dog girl, my 2 favorite pets ever have been Holly and Porter. They are just awesome (even if Porter whines and eats bunnies), I still love him. :) 

White People Can Dance!

You can't watch this and not agree with me! SYTYCD is awesome!