Courtship vs. Dating (On Healthy Relationships pt. 7)

The long awaited finale of the On Healthy Relationships Series is here! Here is the last post in case you have missed it or forget it at this point. :) Sorry this is a long one... it's important!

Let me start with a little personal history on this topic. I dated for years, as most people do in this world... it started out where I was attracted to a guy, I would bat my little eyes at him (flirt), and then he'd ask me out. No matter what his character was like, no matter if we were headed in the same direction in life, no matter if we believed in the same things... when I saw someone I thought was cute, I would go for him. And what would happen during this relationship? We'd usually flirt, try to impress each other any way possible, and try to push each other as close to "the edge" as we could get... usually resulting me in feeling guilty and shameful the next day.

This process went on for years. I thought this was the only way to find "the one". I thought this was normal, as frustrating as the process was, I convinced myself I was having fun, because everyone who was dating around was, right? But it usually only ended in me giving myself too much, physically, emotionally, mentally to someone who I wasn't even sure I truly liked for the long term. It was a vicious cycle.

Then, in the middle of my freshman year of college- God showed up. Literally. (I will share a post on this encounter another time) but let's get to the point, right? After God showed up, my mind was changed. I realized there was another way to do this dating thing, another way to find "the one". A better way.

Some may call it courting, some dating... I prefer Dating with a Purpose. Whatever you call it, once God gets a hold of your life, everything looks different, and this is a major part of my life that drastically changed- thank God!

Dating with a purpose is not the same as engagement. I've heard this definition before: an official, public, accountable dating relationship with the intention of marriage, creating a morally safe avenue for 2 people to seek the will of God together.

Don't let the "intention of marriage" phrase scare you. It simply means that you have a purpose, you aren't aimlessly dating around or the fun of it, but have a reason you are getting to know each other so well. There is always the option of going back to friendship with this way of dating because you don't cross the lines of emotional/physical/spiritual intimacy; but if one of these are crossed, then there will be weirdness if they aren't the one.

Most people think of courting or dating with a purpose being where you just don't cross that physical line, but we must be on guard not to cross the emotional or spiritual one in this stage. Just being physically abstinent as a single person is not the Bible's standard (1 Cor. 7:1, 1 Thess 4, 1 Tim 5). I don't know about you, but I wouldn't tolerate my husband being emotionally promiscuous. Song of Songs 8:4 says we should not stir up or entertain passions or desires that we cannot righteously fulfill. Bottom line: flirting leads to defrauding and fantasy is dangerous.

Most people look at love as something that is feelings driven, "chemistry", and temporary, that just sets us up for failure down the road. I think anyone can have chemistry with ANYONE, if either of you are slightly attractive and in the right setting or mood. I think that term is so overrated and just plain dumb. That is emotional intimacy and sets a pattern for instability, most likely leading to divorce down the road because "the feelings are gone". The more you set the pattern of breaking up, the easier it becomes.

There is no cookie cutter relationship, some people will date for 2 months, some for 2 years, but you need to embrace the season and get to know that person, and just because you are "courting, or dating with a purpose" doesn't mean you are getting married- they aren't your husband or wife until you make the investment of a large diamond and beautiful wedding! Some of Ross' and my most fun times were when we were dating and getting to know each other.
So when dating with a purpose you have accountability- you are open to people asking the hard questions, you have standards- physical, emotional, and spiritual lines that you establish together from the beginning and don't cross til you are married, and you are heading in a direction that brings you BOTH closer to God and His calling on your life.

As I had to learn the hard way- Don't try to play God in your relationships (forcing, flirting, playing around); Let God Write Your Love Story. He will bring His best for you, when you are ready for it. And trust me- His Best is THE Best!

So... what do you think is the difference between dating as a Christian and dating as our culture sees it?

Side note: I wanted to give some resources for books on relationships:
The Friendship of Women by Dee Brestin
Seasons of Friendship by Ruth Senter (these first 2 are about healthy friendships)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye & Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jacke Kendall
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy
Going All the Way by Craig Groeschel