My Story. part 1

This is my story and I'm sticking to it. 

I've been wanting to really put into words what exactly God has done in me through the years. From when he first grabbed a hold of my heart and how it has brought me to where I am today. This will probably turn into a few different posts because I don't know if I can sum it up quickly- there is just too much. I hope you can find some common ground with me in this journey of new beginnings in me.

I'll begin in high school, where I feel like I "met" God for the first time. Don't get me wrong. I grew up in church, very involved in pretty much every aspect church offers, and knew "of" God; but that is way different than knowing God. I was one of those kids that had "frequent alter miles", whenever there was an alter call to "accept Jesus" I was there. But I never felt different. It never sunk in to my heart to actually consider it an encounter with the one true living God. I know this now because I have had that experience. I have had a powerful encounter, and now I will never be the same. I don't think you have met God unless it brings a change in your life. Here's the kicker, it's not about just having an encounter with God either. It's not just about meeting him. It's about what you do once you meet him. Do you get to Know him, do you as a person change? Or do you shake his hand and walk away with the attitude of "I'll just see ya later, when I might need you."? 

A few years ago I found one of my diaries from when I was in 8th grade. I read one of the entries. It said something along the lines of there's gotta be more than this. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like when I read the Bible like "I know I should" it just doesn't make sense. I want to understand what I am reading. I want to know what God is all about. I just don't know where to start. I was in a youth group then, and at this point we had some great youth leaders. In fact I sought out the wife of our youth director back then and asked her how I can get deeper with God. Then they had to move away. And the pursuit of God ended for me (for a while). That was also the summer I was heading into high school- and oh the distractions began. 

I think I funneled my pursuit of God into my pursuit of curiosity, boys and popularity. It all began when I got my braces off (up to that point, I was queen of the dorks, haha). You may laugh at this, but literally that day I got my first kiss. I was a sophomore. And a popular junior kissed me . That was about when I figured out how to mute my conscience. I still had that voice inside me saying "woah, I don't think you can handle this... back off" but the more I ignored that voice, the more I stopped feeling guilty. I went quickly from being the little girl with crushes and swooning with my girlfriends about the cute boy, to manipulating and finding a way to actually get the attention I wanted. 

I can see my hunger for attention and my manipulation started when I was way younger too... just read this story. Ha! Anywho. Looking back now, I see I was sad, lame and pathetic. I began to care more about what people thought of me, caring about my popularity and attention from guys, than being known for something honorable and with integrity. It boils down to the fact that I wanted to be known. I was subconsciously filling this need to be known with friends and guys, while all along the only thing that could satisfy that was being Known by God, the one who knitted me in my mother's womb- cells, bones, and personality. 

Stay tuned for part 2, where I share how I went from my first kiss, where I found that mute button... to some crazy days leading me to my encounter with Jesus.